INTRODUCTION – MICHAEL BAY FILM HISTORY AND THOUGHTS
And here we are yet again in another long and hot summer filled with action and comic book movies and again we are greeted to the likes of Michael Bay who brings forth his third and final (Hopefully) entry in the live action Transformers Franchise. Those who have seen my video review will already know of the slight mixed review I gave but this written one here will be more critical in attempting to explain the flaws of why Dark of the Moon is by all hands down a entertaining film BUT is also a terrible movie in terms of filmmaking.
Again, before I start I must quickly explain my thoughts on Michael Bay personally and what I truly feel about his list of movies that he has directed. First and foremost I have never watched Bad Boys. For the life of me I don’t know why I wouldn’t want to watch a film where Will Smith kicks ass. It just has never interested me and obviously I have never watched Bad Boys 2 either oh thou I did play the video game version based on it…but to the point I have never seen Bay’s first directional debut nor its sequel.
The Rock on the other hand I have had the pleasure of watching. Anything with Sir Sean Connery in it is worth watching in my opinion and it was one of those movies that not only blew me away in the action department but also in its story and awesome soundtrack. And I was quiet surprised when I eventually discovered none other than Michael Bay had directed that film because The Rock in my opinion did not have signatures that Bay tends to use in his films. However, studying the film with that knowledge in mind I did discover that did have his trademark directional techniques, which he used in the film as much as he later used in his other ones.
Armageddon is another Michael Bay movie I had no idea he directed. I watched these films when I was kid and thus had no knowledge who Bay at the time was but needless to say this was one of those movies I did enjoy and do not hate. If one asked me if I cried during the ending moments I wouldn’t lie. I did. Bay can do emotional moments but he also has a Boner for humour that at times he thinks majority of audiences will find funny too and sadly that isn’t the case here with me.
There is humour and then there is humour and while films like The Rock and Armageddon that I remembered because of its famous action stars and its emotional moments and again awesome soundtracks films like his last two Transformers films are anything but pointless humour that not only failed to make me laugh but at times made me feel angry, confused and made me ask to myself, “Why? Why? Why God why?”
And then there is the fact that Michael Bay also has a stick up his ass for his great love of the American Army Forces and the great country (Hell No) of American itself and as I have grown up I have come to hate this obsession he has for it. While his previous movies make sense to have such fanboyisness installed into them, films such as Armageddon and Transformers really had no right to do that.
Every time I watch these films and Bay does his utmost best to throw his country in the spotlight I have to keep reminding myself it’s a movie and that Bay is just been a fellow country men. And then I’m reminded of directors such as Jon Favreau who in Iron Man wasn’t afraid to make the American Air force look bad but was forced to by those forces to change a certain scene. But at least the guy tried.
Here I have Bay throw all this into the audiences faces and while the American Audiences will certainly eat it all up while screaming with pleasure and happiness (Fucking morons) other countries will just be nodding their heads off from the amount of BULLSHIT Bay attempts and I realize watching this that either A) Bay is doing all this crap for the sake of money and to just entertain its audiences, manly the American audience or B) He truly believes American is all that great or C) Is just taking the piss and at the same time trying to offend other countries and people.
Whichever it is I hope to God for his sake it isn’t B because I have seen better movies where directors actually take the time to acknowledge their countries mistakes and horror while at the same time managing to attempt a apology and still come off strong as better men for admitting it. I know I’m ranting on and on and have probably offended any American readers here but this is my opinions on what I think of Michael Bay.
Seriously, Bay’s fetish for the US is as bad as Paul WS Anderson’s for his wife Milla Jovovich who he always tries making the centre of attention in their Resident Evil films. At least Bay makes up for it in his imaginative eye of how great a action scene can look and at times does seem as if he is trying to tell a interesting developed story.
The Island is another example of a good film. Boring at best if one goes in to watch a action epic but this was one of those films where Bay showed he can do developed characters and a interesting love story while throwing in Action scenes to entertain the audience. But when it comes to the Transformers films I’m afraid to say he loses all thought here.
Before I get the Review officially going I will say that Transformers ONE I consider one of Bay’s best films. The first film in my opinion managed to balance action, humour, romance and characters we did care about while at the same time using the Transformers it had really well and not just wasting them but giving their moments to shine and make them look badass and spectacle to withhold. A lot of people might have complained it didn’t really deliver on developing the Autobots or Decepticons but for a first film it did the job right and only set up what a better sequel could follow on and sadly that is where it all went wrong.
Revenge of the Shit as I like to refer to it sometimes is by hands down one of the worst films I have ever watched. However, where a lot hate it I admit to enjoying what action it delivered and that I thought the FIRST HOUR of the sequel was hands down a blast to watch. After the Forest Fight Scene however the film just fell apart.
I remember reading a first draft treatment of the film and it was really different to the final product and ended on a cliffhanger. Everything the sequel should have been was in this draft and yes, there was the Writer’s Strike that occurred and forced Bay’s hand to rush the end product but I honestly don’t see how Bay went from that Treatment to the utter failure that will not sadly be forgotten to soon.
The FIRST DRAFT had elements of the old cartoon series that would’ve pleased fans and stopped them complaining completely about what the first film didn’t deliver on. About the first parts of the draft remained in the final product such as reviving Megatron and the Matrix of Leadership (which played a smaller but important role in the draft) but everything else to Leo’s character, the Fallen and Egypt was added in for the film.
Even Megan Fox’s character played an important role in the draft and here I am questioning why faith had to shit on what could possibly have been one of the most exciting summer action sequels of all time only to be replaced by the shit we have now along with another not so good threequel of shit. There were so many things wrong with TF2.
The action beginning parts were done well but the Egypt scenes and final desert battles dragged and of cause the distasteful humour that plagued it. If there are things to be complained about Transformers 2 is that it was too long, the humour was all over the placed and horrible, characters who deserved development were thrown away and instead the film focused too much on the human side of things and the Fallen who the film was named after was a terrible, terrible waste of a villain. And everything Michael Bay promised for the fans he failed to deliver on.
And now two years later Dark of the Moon shines our cinema screens. Has Bay learned from his mistakes from Revenge of the Fallen? Does it prove to be better than it and even surpass the original? Read on to find and SPOILERS ALERT. I will be spoiling the film to explain my reasons of flaws and of moments done well. However, I probably will be insulting this film from start to finish so I apologize if I go all 100% negative on this.
OFFICIAL SCENE BY SCENE REVIEW – SPOILERS.
Skip to the Conclusion Part if you don't wanna read the next 20 pages and want to just get my overall thoughts and not spoil yourselves and understand why this film was bad. Otherwise make yourselves some coffee and popcorn because this is gonna be a long read.
ACT I:
The film starts as always with Optimus Prime voiced ever so perfectly by the character’s long running voice actor Peter Cullen (One of the only things Bay got right) narrating during a scene set in a war torn Cybertron which is a first time to actually see this planet that was only ever spoken of and glimpsed at during the series. Here an Autobot ship called the Ark sees it trying to make an escape while carrying a weapon that could turn the tide in the war against the good moral Autobots and evil Decepticons. However, it is shot down and the ship wanders aimlessly in space for decades before finally crash landing on the DARK SIDE OF THE MOON in the year 1961.
Why did they change the title from Dark Side to Dark? It sounds more right to have Side in it doesn’t it? Well I think so anyway but enough of that. It’s just the title. MOVE ON.
So the Ark crash lands and thus it is the whole cause of reason as to why the US Government and Russia decided to kick-start the Space Race so as to investigate the incident. In 1969 the US makes it first obviously and Bay here cleverly manages to use old reel achieve footage and implement it into actual scenes and make it seem like President JFK Is really there. The whole opening is a well done moment and again shows how using real-life events to tie into this sci-fi benefits to develop the plot slightly.
After all this and the film’s Teaser Trailer scene closing it off the film cuts to the Present Day, showing the Autobots kicking ass and working under the US government to sort out the Earth’s conflicts around the world and right here it depicts a scene that not only ruined whatever value the Autobots in my opinion held to me as characters who said in the previous film didn’t get involved with Earth’s own personal problems but also offended me personally when it showed the characters attacking what is supposed to be my home country of Iran.
Now upon reading some forums it appears this scene was cut in Middle Easter countries, but those who have seen it have complained and are outraged at this fact. However the point stands and some of these people complaining are Arabs and not Iranian. Either they’re blind and didn’t see the Iranian Symbol on one of the cars or the Soldier who spoke in Iranian. Point is no ones dies and it seems that the Autobots are attacking a Nuclear/Research Facility. God knows because Bay doesn’t really make it clear why they’re there in the first place.
People will be like that me and those complainers are overreacting but that isn’t the case. I am insulted and Bay has further established himself as someone with a big ego who thinks he can get away with stuff like this. Who is he to say what my country does when it comes to Nuclear Weapons is bad? Majority of fucking countries do it anyway as does American. He has no right to add in a scene where the American Government uses the Autobots to sort out their problems. Of cause this scene also makes the US look like pussies who have to resort to the big ally boys to help them out with their problems and how do they sort it out? With violence. Yeah, because that is all American can really do isn’t it Bay.
But this isn’t the main problem I have with this scene. It’s that Bay completely ignores the real problems that countries like Iran are suffering from. Its not the bloody work on nukes that’s really the problem, it’s how the government is treating the people. Right now in Iran people are been tortured, beaten, killed. Our women, daughters and sisters been punished and raped for just been the opposite sex. No freedom of speech for anyone to do what they want. All been treated unfairly and the Government and Soldiers sworn to protect us abusing their positions to control the people with fear. THAT IS THE PROBLEM POISONING MY COUNTRY AND OTHER MIDDLE EASTER COUNTRIES LIKE IT AND WHAT DOES BAY DO? HE FOCUSES ON THE THING THAT LEAST MATTERS OF ALL.
And this isn’t the only time Bay has taken offensive with Iran. In the first movie he offends us by saying our Iranian scientists are too stupid to come up with anything before going for a lesser insult on the Chinese. And now he has a scene of fucking robots infiltrate our land and try and stop whatever research they’re doing? What Bay? Did we prove in the next few years that Iranian scientists are indeed smart and can actually fuck your precious American over if the need arose and so you decided to paint us as a evil that needs to be taken care off at once when the need arises? FUCK YOU!!!
I’m sorry, but people like Michael Bay are reasons why people including me don’t see American in a good light. It’s full of idiots like him who laugh and lie to the people. (As a personal message to you Bay, I hope I never meet you in person because if I do I’ll rip your head off with my bare hands.)
BUT ENOUGH OF THIS. This won’t be the only thing Bay manages to make offence at. So far the film has started of good and about six minutes into it Bay then manages to offend me and my country and throw it all out the window. Let me discuss whether he manages to get back to my good graces and what other obvious flaws this douchbag manages to make.
So after the Iran incident the film picks up with the Autobots arriving in Chernobyl. Oh my God. Bay does it again and this time insults the Russians. Remember when I said how slightly clever it was to use real life events to base the film around? Well in this case the reason for Chernobyl going all meltdown was because of a secret Cybertronian technology the Russians recovered from the Moon going apeshit and causing the disaster. But in this case this is too much. This is a place where lots of people fucking died and Bay tries to make a fantasy event out of it. JESUS CHRIST, SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT.
The scene then moves to the NEST Team led by Lt. Colonel William Lennox again played by Josh Duhamel heading into the undergrounds of the dead plant and finding the secret tech only for them to be attacked by a giant hentai metal monster called the Driller which is been controlled by Deception villain Shockwave who looks all evil and cool but is just another big waste of space in this series of TF movies.
The Driller tries escaping with the Tech only for Optimus to come in WITH HIS TRAILER (Fucking finally. About bloody time.) which transforms into his armoury of sorts and Optimus slashes away recovering the technology. Shockwave reveals himself from the inside of the Driller and utters “Optimus” and then it just cuts away to the Driller escaping underground. What the fuck? Why would you introduce Shockwave for about 2 seconds and then have it cut to him with no explanation leaving? He’s got a fucking giant death Robot? Why not finish the job? Well there’s a reason to that.
At the same time Deception Spy Lazerbeak is introduced who flies in and kills the Russia general who led the Nest team to the technology in the first place. Optimus studies the tech and realizes what it is with shock.
I have to say the opening action scene was a big let down compared to the awesome opening Bay went with in TF2. My one major complaint about that film would have to be the disgusting humour Bay threw into that film, otherwise I enjoyed the action scenes that played during the whole beginning parts of the film. But here this is pretty much the only major action scene you’re getting and the rest of the film goes into a stand still as it follows Sam Witwicky aka Shia LaBeouf about trying to find a job and develop his relationship with his new girlfriend Carly Spencer played by Victoria Secret Model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley whose opening scene is a shot of her ass as he walks up the stairs of her home.
Well that pretty much establishes her character. She’s useless as much as Megan Fox was in the previous film but unlike Megan Fox I found her to be more worthwhile to watch. Megan Fox never did anything for me. Call me gay or whatever but I just didn’t feel her and her acting and bitchiness in reality was horrible. Rosie on the other hand came off as more likable and surprisingly the British accent I had complained about before when seeing her in a clip actually helped to make her slightly more…unique? It’s a film full of Americans for crying out loud. Seeing some variety helped a little and the truth is Rosie in my opinion looked hotter and acted better than Megan Fox ever did. She was one of the positives of this film.
I am angry at the fact how they went about establishing that entire relationship with Shia and Megan in the last film and in the end it was all a big waste but here she’s not missed and Rosie quickly feels the void left by her and does surprisingly well with all she has too do. Just look hot and act scared and angry when you need to be. DONE. Sure I wish she had actually done something useful and important but this film is called Transformers and I just wanna see Robots kick ass. Sadly there won’t be any of that for another hour or so.
For all intents and purposes of Bay trying to make up for his mistakes that he made during TF2 he makes a lot of them here for this film but at the same improves upon them but only ever so slightly. Its not really saying much but its not all that of an improvement compared to the second one.
After a quick funny flashback scene showing Sam getting a medal from President Obama and how he meant Carly the film moves to Sam trying to find a job and failing miserably. Add the fact Sam actually wishes he could be helping Nest and the Autobots then all the complaints from the last film that dealt with the development of Sam are a big waste here. First he hates having to get involved with the Autobots and wants a normal live and now that he does have a normal live added with the fact he’s got a hot ass girlfriend and lives in what appears to be mansion he’s been all bitchy and whiny about it. BLOODY HELL!!! MAKE UP YOUR MIND ALREADY!!!
And how hell is it he hasn’t been given a job by the Government or the Autobots for that matter? He already proved himself so why is he yet again dumped away like a useless prick? You’d think saving the world twice in a row would ensure him gaining some upper hand in negotiating a deal with the Government at them hiring him. STUPID!!!
And Shia just shouts every moment he gets. “OPTIMUS!!!” this, “BUMBLEBEE!!!” that. Good God, shut up. I don’t hate Shia but his acting in this film was downright annoying to watch. At times funny, at times good but majority of the time when it was not needed it was painful to watch. I came to watch a film with Robots. Not such whiny douchbag shouting off every scene he’s in, complaining about how shit his perfect life is.
The scenes with him trying to get a job are as pointless as some of the action scenes later on in this film. Cut those sequences out and they do nothing to the overall progress of the story. They are a time waster. Bay is known for adding in pointless scenes to drag the film out and yet he complies in the end that its too long? Why keep that crap in then? GET RID OF IT.
And the Parents played by Kevin Dunn and Julie White, good god. At least Bay learned one thing from the last film and that was shortening the amount of screentime these useless, embarrassing characters have. They were good in the first film where their presence made sense. And again them appearing in the beginning of TF2 was expected but when Bay thought it’d be funny to have Julie White get high and run around Campus making a fool out of herself and her son was just too much. It was not needed. While the emotional, parent angle was played well in the end of that film with Sam’s parents learning to let him go that is what the sequel really needed more off. But it was overshadowed by the amount of stupidity in that film.
This time round their presence in the film is about three scenes altogether if I remember correctly and it is short and to the point but again Bay manages to make Julie White the embarrassing mum she again played in the first two films. Their scenes were also not needed. Cut it out and again it won’t change things in really advancing the main plot at hand. Their characters were as pointless in this installment as much as John Malkovich was as Sam’s Boss Bruce.
Such great acting talent and they’re all wasted to comic relief characters. I had hoped John Malkovich would play a more serious but friendly role similar to the role played by John Benjamin Hickey who played Galloway in the last film but instead he is replaced by Actress Frances McDormand who pretty much plays a female version of that previous character who pretty much also makes her first appearance like Galloway in the Nest Hanger and confronts Optimus Prime about the recent mission undertaken and again Optimus is pissed off and serious like that exact scene from the previous film and here is where a familiar feeling resurfaced.
Dark of the Moon is pretty much in terms of plot structure the same as Revenge of the Fallen. Both started with Optimus narrating and explaining things that tied Earth and Cybertron together. Both begin with action sequences in a foreign country and Optimus eventually taking on a giant ass robot. Both have Sam happy or in this case pissed and whiny with his parents and girlfriend coming to support him. Both have Optimus answering to a higher authority and both have a character who was thought dead been revived. In the case of this film it isn’t Megatron or some other dead previous Autobot but new character to the franchise Sentinel Prime, Optimus’s mentor and original leader of the Autobots. Needless to say one can predict how the rest of the film will play out and how it will come to end because at this point the film is all to familiar and not original in anyway so far. Back to the plot…
Studying the tech retrieved from Chernobyl which turns out to be a Engine Piece from the lost ship the Ark, Optimus and other fellow Autobots travel to the Moon, find the Ark and discover Sentinel Prime half alive with what appears to the secret weapons that could have aided them in their war against the Decepticons which consist of five Pillars of sorts.
Just like in Revenge of the Fallen when the Decepticons resurrected Megatron, here this time it is the Autobot who resurrect one of their own. Optimus using the Matrix of Leadership from the previous film (Wait a second. He blew the Sun Harvester with the Matrix inside it. How the fuck did it survive been blown up and how did Optimus retrieve it? PLOT HOLE) brings back his long lost ally Sentinel Prime voiced by Star Trek’s Spock, Leonard Nimoy.
After a gruelling confusion Optimus calms him down and Sentinel goes on to explain that the Pillars are a form of teleportation device that could be used to transport things from one place to another. McDormand fearing the Pillars could be used to in the enemies hands to transport an invasion army to Earth orders the Pillars locked away.
Meanwhile Sam gets even more bitchy when he goes to visit Carly at her work place where he meets her rich playboy boss Dylan (Patrick Dempsey) and a love triangle of sorts is formed here with Sam becoming jealous of Carly and hating the great life he has because he doesn’t have a rich car anymore and isn’t helping the Autobots which he refused to do in the last film. SERIOUSLY, STOP F..KING WHINY ALREADY.
After those quick developments the film goes to Africa where we see what Megatron (Hugo Weaving) has been up to with his ever following butler Starscream (Charlie Adler). That empty shot with just background and Megatron transforming was just silly and fucking stupid. One of the things I hated is seeing a bunch of people in a plain bright background with obvious CGI standing behind them. It just felt as it does here so….flat and empty.
Other Decepticon villains Soundwave (Frank Welker) from the previous film returns along with Lazerbeak (Keith Szarabajka) from the beginning of the film and the villains discuss the next plan in world domination. This scene is just pure cheese but at the same time it is what we fans crave. This is what we want to see. The Transformers, Autobots, Decepticons talking, planning, fighting. This is about them and not the humans and yet for a film called Transformers the film focuses too much on the human side of things never allowing any time for these characters to develop beyond been anything more than just hunks of CGI to stare at and root for.
ACT II
What happens next is Lazerbeak going on Assassin missions to wipe out any evidence of the plans they are about to pull which includes killing off the human scientists and researchers from the NASA events who aided the Decepticons to accomplish their goals. One of these people is Ken Jeong from the TV Series Community and the Hangover films. He plays Jerry ‘Jimmy’ Wang. No, I shit you not, that is his name. Bay again showing his fondness for been a stereotypical douche and thinking the jokes he comes up with are funny to an older and mature audience and acceptable for little kids to hear.
He works at the same place as Sam and knowing who he is he confronts him in the toilets and yes, a few Gay jokes are thrown in there and it is sadly a unpleasantness to behold when Jerry removes his paths and pulls out documents from under his pant and hands them over to Sam to give to his ‘friends’.
I’ll admit, Ken was funny but that toilet scene was so not needed and again goes to show that Bay while throwing in less of his stupid ass humour has still not learnt when not to do unnecessary humour and scenes in the first place. This guy has done how many movies now and still hasn’t learnt when ‘LESS IS MORE’. The first Transformers was so few and yet so acceptable and balanced and here Bay is repeating his same mistakes from the last film and just annoying us with it. ENOUGH!!! JUST STOP AND GO AND TELL US THE STORY. DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THIS POINTLESS BULLSHIT.
After these quick scenes are over Ken is confronted by Lazerbeak. Ken somewhat trying to go out in style and playing up to his Hangover character gets an untimely death off the floor his on and to the bottom of the building ground. Having witnessed Ken having told Sam something Lazerbeak tries assassinating Sam and failing.
Actually, its more like Sam running through a corridor and Lazerbeak hitting a wall and then the scene cutting to another scene where Sam is with Carly and somehow managed to escape for his live and this again brings up the poor handling of the editing issues in this film where one minute the characters are in a unexpected situation only for it to cut away to show them having somehow unexplained escaped their faith.
Anyway, Sam and Carly head to the secret Nest Base in D.C. (Where they also live) and meet up with the Autobots while also confronting McDormand and Lennox over what happened and showing them the documents Jerry Wang gave him. Of cause McDormand tells Sam he’s useless and not wanted and to keep to himself while the Autobots provide him with bodyguards including Sam’s old buddy Bumblebee.
With no one out there to really listen to what Sam has to say about a possible attack from the Decepticons Sam heads to the only one person who will believe him, Seymour Simmons aka Josh Turturro. If there’s one thing I like about these films is that it brings back some of its human characters, however I am disappointed the character of Leo didn’t make a return as a more mature and developed character. And whatever happened to those geek analysis researchers from the first film? I actually liked their characters.
But anyway, Simmons has become rich and famous and during a scene discussing the Transformers, again, more pointless scenes not needed and is just there for the sake of been there by Bay. Not only that the film never at the beginning establishes whether the whole world has become finally aware of the Transformers.
In the last film the Fallen made a live transmission across American and the world I think but it was never stated whether anyone brought it and this scene here while not just been annoying to watch also confused the hell out of me. I wish Bay had taken the time to create some sort of plot involving the Autobots been known worldwide as heroes or legends or something to the human race. At least then there’d be a sense of mystery playing there.
BACK TO THE PLOT, Sam makes contact with Simmons and Simmons and his German/Dutch Butler played by Alan Tudyk join forces with Sam in uncovering the mystery behind the moon landings and figure out through some help with Sam’s Autobot pets, Brains (Reno Wilson, who sounds like Beavis/Butt-head) and Wheelie (Spongebag Square pants. Where the hell did he disappear to in the final act of the last film?) the Decepticons are killing off people connected to the US and Russia space missions to the Ark. And after some more bitchy whiney between Sam and Carly who leaves to go to Dylan’s party Sam, Simmons and Dutch head to figure out this pointless time wasting mystery.
Now about the annoyance of Wheelie and Brains, there was a certain problem with two annoying stereotypical Twins in the last film who are absent here thank god but in their place are now Wheelie who is less annoying but as perverted as new character Brains who takes the cake for been the stupidest character conceived for this series. For someone who says they’re smartasses they sure spend the majority of the time perverting on Carly or talking in that annoying accent/voice. Yes their comedy of mischief is toned down more than the Twins who seemed to get into a fight in every scene they were in but still it doesn’t excuse Bay for having to throw this instead into our faces.
ANWAY…the trio of failed comedians meet with a group of Russia gangsters who were also part of the Russia Space missions. After an actual funny scene involving Tudyk who goes from gay butler to badass. (And later Hacker. Seriously, this guy does more things in this film than the majority of the other human characters.)
After figuring out that there were a whole bunch of Pillars (About hundreds of them) instead of just the five brought back with Sentinel, Sam figures out the Decepticons were already aware of the Ark, stole the pillars already and then left Sentinel there alone because they knew that only Optimus would be able to revive him with the Matrix of Leadership.
WHAT??? Optimus didn’t have the Matrix until the last film and the Decepticons had been working with the human scientists for a few years now meaning they were on Earth beforehand and Optimus and crew didn’t arrive until just like 4 years ago. WHAT THE HELL? AND MEGATRON WAS IN ICE AT THE TIME. I don’t get it. I must obviously be missing something here. I’m confused about the timeline of these films.
Anyway, Sam realizes Sentinel is in danger of kidnap by the Decepticons since only he can use and activate the Pillars and a whole chase sequence plays out on the highway against the Decepticon Dreaders where one picks up Simmons and throws him out his limo (And breaks his leg).
The rest is stuff we’ve all seen before and while entertaining, at this point in the film its gotten really boring because you’re wondering when its gonna get to the big stuff and finish. So far it’s a hour in and now something cool is happening and even then its not that cool but stuff repeating itself. As a matter of fact, that whole highway scene was actually a scene Bay filmed for the Island. He’s just put it back in and replaced it with Transformers jumping around in the background. Hey, if you can use something without having to go the effort of actually filming and spending money then go for it but at the same time it really makes Bay look lazy and sloppy.
The scene also brings forth another annoyance of this film that I had with the previous one and hoped would be fixed but again Bay shows he has hardly learned from his mistakes. I can’t at times tell who is who. I can tell the red car is Mirage but then you have like four black, grey fucking cars and I don’t know if one is Sideswipe or if the other is Ironhide or if that one is Sentinel or if that’s the enemy. The thing with the first movie was you knew who was who because of difference in shape and size and overall look.
Here the majority of the bad guys look all the same and at times you have good guys who also look similar with them and it becomes hard to try and distinguish who the fuck is who. Sadly this problem carries on in the overall final climax of the film. Seriously, does Bay even watch this and question this crap himself because I’m starting to believe that the rumours of him just watching the explosives is true and that someone completely different directs the majority of other scenes in here. How can you not watch this and not say, JEE, IS THAT A DECEPITCON OR FUCKING AUTOBOT GETTING SHOT AT?
Back to scene, it ends with a Mexican standoff and with help from Sideswipe, Ironhide kills all three Predator look-alikes. Either Bay was paying homage to Predator or like the majority of this film he’s copying things from other movies besides just his own. Seriously, its about one hour so far in this film and only now something interesting is starting to happen. All that crap at the beginning or so was really not needed to advance to this stage of the film.
Everybody makes it back to NEST HQ (Where the fuck is Optimus?) and Shit goes down as Sentinel uses a Acid Rust Cannon to kill Ironhide and revealing he was working with the Decepticons the whole time. Oh nice, I didn’t see that coming but considering I had to go through an hour of gay jokes and bitchy whiney and shouting I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Just like no one gives a shit when Ironhide dies. He gets killed and dies and no one ever brings it up again. WOW…He was with you asses for 2 other films and no one ever brings up that their friend and life long comrade just got killed by their betrayed supposed leader of justice and good. And Ironhide was Optimus’s second in command. Does Optimus react to that? No. Ironhide’s death is NEVER BROUGHT UP. WTF? Where’s the emotion for fuck sake? At least Jazz got a fucking mention of sadness at the end of TF1. Funny how the Robot voiced by a black guy dies in the first movie and in this one it’s the only good robot coloured in black paint. WTF? Bay further showing his stereotypical Hollywood bias.
Sentinel meanwhile goes on a rampage, destroys NEST HQ and takes back his locked up pillars and leaves with a shocked McDormand and Sam and others looking on. Well actually McDormand acts more like a teacher trying to ground a pupil as she shouts to Sentinel Prime and asks him what the hell his doing. A FUCKING ROBOT IS BUSTING SHIT UP AND YOU’RE TRYING TO SCOLD HIM? GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE LOL!
Sentinel then heads to the D.C. Lincoln memorial where Megatron and Starscream are waiting and using the pillars Sentinel opens a space bridge from there to the moon where Decepticons who have hiding/sleeping inside the surface of the moon awake and jump through the space bridge into D.C.
Megatron more useless as ever in this film just blows the Lincoln memorial stature away and sits his ass down taking the throne. Cool kind of shoot and image actually but I imagine a lot of Americans would be offended if they haven’t already offended their country men such as the Iranians and Russians already. Oh don’t worry, Bay will get to the point where he thinks its fun to open up old wounds for the sake of entertainment.
In the meantime Optimus shows up out of nowhere and confronts Sentinel as a whole army of Decepticons come through to Earth and run away. Optimus has the chance to end all this bullshit but doesn’t do it and let’s Sentinel walk away where’s as Sentinel threatens to kill Optimus and instead of actually doing it and not having the fucking guy who blew Megatron’s face in half and killed the Fallen come after him, he lets him go.
And let’s back up to one scene earlier where Optimus and Sentinel take a road trip and they discuss Cybertron history together while Optimus revealing the Matrix of Leadership to his mentor and offering it to him but Sentinel refuses to take leadership off Optimus and tells him to keep it to himself.
Hold up, the big guy is offering you the lost relic of your forefathers and you don’t take it when its offered to you? If you’re gonna betray him anyway why not fucking take something that could make you possibly more powerful? At this point and the confrontation scene later I presumed its cause Sentinel loves Optimus so much he would never dare challenge him or try to kill him if he had the actual chance. However Sentinel does not redeem himself and pretty much becomes the film’s official main villain and yet again Megatron is thrown in the backdrop been utterly useless. But we’ll get to that later.
Right now as these events are happening Sam travels to Dylan’s to retrieve Carly. During the confrontation with the bad boy we discover he really is a rich prick bad boy as he reveals how he and his father worked with the Decepticons along with several other rich asses. As Sam and Carly try to escape, by getting into Carly’s new car that Dylan gave her, it transforms into Soundwave and throws Sam out while keeping Carly in and getting all tentacles inside.
Oh please, at least let there be some sort of alien robotic sex scene going on here with Carly been victim to it. Let her get all naked and abused while Sam watches on horror. At least then we’ll have some sort of actual horror be folding our eyes while keeping us slightly entertained the crouch down. NOPE, nothing of the sort happens. But one can imagine there been tones of hentai fan fics based on this coming out later in the years.
But to the point, Dylan threatens Sam with Carly’s life. His job is to spy on the Autobots and find out if they will do a counter-attack. See, Sentinel and the Decepticons have ordered the United Nations to throw out the Autobots from Earth otherwise there’ll be more hell to pay. All the Decepticons want is to use the majority of Earth’s supplies and minerals to help fix up their own planet and of cause they expect the smart government of the world to listen to them and fall in line to their orders.
After all, they’re Decepticons and will not in any way break their promise and not try to attack the Earth once the Autobots are gone later on. Seriously, how stupid do they think the Government are? I mean surely they wouldn’t….(Watches scene of Government ordering Autobots to leave Earth.)…NEVERMIND!!! Way to act tough Bay. You’ve made the whole world leaders seem like pussy wipes now. Then again the Government really are a bunch of pussy ass cowards so no false information been shown here.
So Sam is ordered to do that and find out information on any possible counter-attack. To ensure he keeps to his task a Decepticon transforms into a watch while at the same time injecting itself into him and keeping track of what he sees and when he lies or tells the truth and sending electric signals to him to keep his mouth shut about what’s really happening and get the job done. Overall this is a intense scene as Sam even ‘promises’ to kill Dylan when this is all done with.
So where does this intense scene lead to? Well it leads into another Bay trap of a scene that tries to be funny and instead ruins whatever emotion or investment we as a audience had in the character or the plot point been introduced. Seriously, every single time a serious scene occurs, Bay goes and ruins it with his so called slapstick comedy. Good Lord give me strength. I won’t even explain what slapstick occurs but its stupid and again adds nothing to advance the plot.
Sam wonders to the base where the Autobots will be using a space rocket to leave the earth. Here late into the film the Autobot characters, The Wreckers are introduced who act like a bunch of fucking red necks. First it was the annoying black stereotypical Twins and now robots acting and talking like Red Necks. Fuck me. And Epps (Tyrese Gibson) is introduced finally to the plot? What the fuck happened to you? Been waiting ages for you to show up dude.
Sam then goes to talk with Optimus with a wheelchair bound Simmons looking on. Optimus says there is no counter-attack and that they will leave Earth and that its up to the humans now to sort out their shit. They get into the Rocket and Bay now uses another so called real-life event to make fun off and turn it into a film sad moment.
Remember that Rocket a few years back that exploded when taking off? I think it was the one with the teachers on board. Not sure but Bay I believe uses reel footage from that and basically has Starscream lying in wait to blow said Rocket that is similar to the same rocket that exploded with real people inside and became a tragic event. Yes Bay, way to take the piss and remind us of the pain and suffering that occurred then. I dare you to take the piss out of 9/11 and the July Bombings. I double dare you motherfucker. Anyway, Sam seems shocked as does government agent McDormand when this occurs. Really? You didn’t think the Decepticons would use this chance to kill off the good guys once and for all? Really?
Anyway, this overall scene is pretty much pointless because with a hour still to go we know the Autobots aren’t dead and they’ll appear in some form alive and well so overall, THIS SCENE IS POINTLESS. WHAT IS IT WITH FILMAKERS MAKING SCENES WHERE ITS MEANT TO LOOK LIKE THE CHARACTERS ARE DEAD OR DYING BUT YOU KNOW THEY’RE NOT DEAD BECAUSE THERE’S STILL HOURS OF THE FILM LEFT OR BECAUSE THEY ALREADY APPEARED IN ANOTHER FILM THAT THE NEXT FILM IS A PRELUDE/SEQUEL TOO. Looking at you Iron Man 2 and Thor.
The Decepticon watch/snake thingy leaves Sam and Sam goes to rescue Carly and Epps decides to join him on this crusade while also advising that they’ll need back up from other homies. At the same time Dylan has taken Carly as his personal sex slave, I mean hostage, OR WHO CARES. She’s a hostage, nuff said. Megatron and Sentinel chill out at Dylan’s skyscraper building in Chicago and use it as HQ and order Chicago to be attacked and have the bridges and exits destroyed and guarded.
Next scene that plays out is pretty much Bay listening to the fan service but not really doing anything cool or dramatic with it while at the same time again showing us how lazy and unskilled his choice of editing is and unemotional this guy is proving to be.
The Decepticons attack Chicago and you get normal humanoid Decepticons, Attack battle ships, and a Spider Tank Bot (Must be seeing things.) and they pretty much blow up all the innocent people trying to make a run for it and there isn’t any emotionality thrown into it. Its pretty much Bay making a scene that lasts a Minute long that saying to the audience, “Here you go. The bad guys invading a city, blowing it apart and killing people.”
Okay, fair enough, its done visually well and I’m surprised this film didn’t a R rating just from those people getting the War of the Worlds treatment but that doesn’t make the film any better. You can’t really connect with the deaths like say the way one connects seeing that asshore of a lawyer get munched on by the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.
And to add further insult is the use of the way its been edited. I don’t know why Bay seems fit to use this ‘Technique’ if that’s what you call it but at times the screen goes dark blank then cuts into the next before going dark blank again, almost as if the camera is blinking and waking up at different times. Its really annoying and destructing.
After that unemotional invasion Sam, Epps and some old NEST homeboys arrive at the edge of Chicago. Here the film treats us to bodies on the street and people running for cover and forces who are trying to get in by air are shot down by Decepticon ships keeping guard. Wish there’d be more streets filled with dead bodies and people running for cover and shit. But this scene is pretty much it in that department.
Epps tells Sam they can’t go on or they’ll be slaughtered but Sam will hear none of it and makes a run for it only to be seen and attacked but then the Decepticon Ship is shot down and the Carly Rescue Team is rescued themselves by none other than…I’ll give you one guess at who it is…
OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME, Back from the dead…Again. God was that plot point worthless. But yeah, the Autobots arrive, Sam has a quick emotional reunion with Bumblebee and Optimus declares war on the Decepticons after revealing that the Autobots hid inside the canister tube that was ejected from the Rocket before it was destroyed. Also the Autobots wanted to prove a point to the Government that the Decepticons were lying and let them mass-murder a whole city.
Seriously, these are the good guys here making a point? Damn, even to a guy like me, THAT’S Coooolllllddddd or so Mr. J would say god rest his soul. Oh, and the Autobots dismember the Decepticon pilot from the shot down Attack ship instead of taking them prisoner since you know, he’s unarmed and can’t defend himself. Yeah, way to show how noble and justice you are guys. Christ.
ACT III
So the Rescue Squad head on and now finally, after about a Hour and a Half of pointless ass humour and jokes and needless sub-plots and characters the film finally gets to the good shit and at this point I’m so tired and bored out of my mind that I can’t really pay attention or give a shit. If one goes to watch this film and wants to see it just for the action then by all means and for the love of God, Buy your ticket and walk in after 90 Minutes has passed. You’ll regret it otherwise. No film is worth having to sit through all that pointless fucking pile of shit so-called plot and character development.
ANYWAY, back to Carly and Dylan, Bad boy reveals the grand master plan. The Decepticons don’t just want Earth’s supplies to take with them to Cybertron. They want to use the humans as Slaves. And when Carly questions how they’re gonna transport billions of people to Cybertron the big twist here is that Cybertron will be transported to Earth. OH MY FRICKING GOD, NO WAY. Wow, that’s their plan? Didn’t they try to destroy the Earth and all the humans with it in Revenge of the Shit?
WAIT, HOLD A SECOND HERE, Sentinel explains he turned to the Decepticons and made plans to meet Megatron on Earth during the Cybertron war. At the beginning he was escaping in the Ark to meet with Megatron but got shutdown. However, Megatron arrives in the 1800s and crash landed trying to secure the Allspark from the first film and got frozen in ice for hundreds of years. Sentinel arrived in the 1960s and that is when the NASA projects occurred and they discovered the Transformers.
But the US Government already knew about aliens round the time they discovered Megatron in the 1800s along with the Allspark. Megatron gets released during the first film’s events and escapes to secure the Allspark which is destroyed and kills him. He is resurrected and instead heads off into space and meets with the Fallen a very long time after the first war ended. The Ark was still on the moon and round that time the Decepticons must’ve investigated and known about it. However, Megatron never makes mention of this and is all up with the plan of destroying the Earth’s sun and the Earth itself for the Energy source they so crave. No plans of taking over the planet and using the humans as slaves.
HELL, WHY WOULD YOU USE HUMANS AS SLAVES? You’re giant fucking robots. You don’t need weak, useless beings who need to be fed, clothed and taken of and shit. BUT…That still doesn’t explain why Megatron didn’t just go and awaken Sentinel. His excuse for later on? He needed the Matrix of Leadership to awaken Sentinel and only Optimus could do that…Either Megatron planned way ahead or the Writers had no fucking clue that they just messed up continuity here for the sake of trying to tell a story.
AND WHY THE HELL DO I FEEL LIKE I’VE ALEADY MENTIONED THIS BEFORE? I have already explained this shit haven’t I? I’m not gonna check. This is 16 pages long already. FUCK THAT SHIT!!!
SOOOOOO….Bumblebee takes command of the Decepticon Attack ship, files Sam to Dylan’s place and Sam goes in with a gun and holds Dylan at gunpoint. Lazerbeak reveals himself, attacks Sam and throws him out the window but Sam is on top of the Attack Ship and orders Carly to jump towards him who does and they hang on with dear life as they go crashing down while Lazerbeak attacks Sam only for Bumblebee to shoot his head off. Lazerbeak was great I think. A nice change of some of the villains in the series but seriously, how the fuck was he able to change into a bird like appearance?
Nevermind, don’t care. He’s dead. Let’s move on. And plus, Sam chickened out and didn’t kill Dylan when he had the chance. You promised pretty boy and you failed you stupid ass blond git. Well, maybe next time but seriously, in reality, you shoot first and ask questions later, cause then the guy will take you more seriously. I said shoot first, not kill. More like wound and injure, know what I mean? Jeez, some people.
The ship crash lands and the rest of the goodies come to the rescue. And then instead of taking the woman he loves out of there he keeps her around and throws her into more danger. Really? I’m all for ‘Love on the Battlefield’ but COME ON BOY. Think rationally here, a realistic person would put his girl in one of those robot cars along with himself and drive the fuck out of there. You came to rescue your girl. You done that, now get the hell out of dodge. But no, Bay instead gives fans the finger and instead of having the final last act focus on the Autobots and Military we instead still have a love story thrown into the mix…again.
Anyway, Carly reveals to the characters that they need to find a way to shoot down the column where the Control Pillar is kept in. If they destroy that then all the other pillars will stop working and Earth will be saved. So the human characters led by Epps decide to make a run for a large glass building overlooking the tower where the Control Pillar and Megatron and Sentinel are chilling out at. However at that moment Shockwave finally makes his presence known and he attacks and Optimus is separated from his Trailer with his jet pack in it.
Needing a diversion the Wreckers along with Wheelie and Brains head in to distract Soundwave who goes WALKING like he owns the streets instead of attacking with his giant ass pet worm. The Wreckers then retreat leaving Wheelie and Brains alone. WHAT? They’re your little comrades and you just left them there? WHY? WHY?
Anyway, there been no threat whatsoever for the humans at this point really, they head off towards the building and get in. Carly observes (Or was it before?) as Megatron is beaten down by Sentinel who says he only wants to rebuild Cybertron to its glory and it’s the only reason he is working with Megatron but that Megatron should remember who he is talking too, not ordering about and pretty much makes Megatron his official bitch.
HOW THE HELL DID MEGATRON GO FROM PURE BADASS TO SOMEWHAT COOL/BITCH TO BEEN A COMPLETE USELESS CHARACTER HERE? They might as well have killed him off in the last film since he doesn’t do anything besides sitting down and getting beaten on. And he doesn’t even beat on Starscream anymore who instead follows him around like a lapdog. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED? I MEAN REALLY? HOW DID WE GO FROM TRANSFORMERS TO SHIT OF THE MOON?
So Epps team gets ready to blow up the Pillar using a Rocket Launcher but they take so much fucking time to ready themselves to do it that a Decepticon Attack Ship comes and starts firing at the building and causing it to bend slightly forward but not enough to make it fall. The humans take cover and hide and a Decepticon bursts looking for them and so the human heroes end up having to run for their lives, getting shot at and chased and eventually jumping out the building windows, sliding down on the building and then eventually shooting their way back inside and falling down through the building floor and losing a man or two.
This attracts Shockwave who is patrolling right below the building and he calls his Pet metal Dildo to collapse the building and forcing the idiots inside to hang on for dear life only for Optimus to fly in with his jet pack which he somehow retrieved during the time the cut to the humans and he crashes through the building and slices off the head of the Dildo – I mean Driller and it dies and Shockwave watching shoots at Optimus causing him to lose control of his flight and get caught in some crane cables.
What the fuck? He gets caught in crane cables? Optimus gets caught in…Okay, whatever. The moment is ruined. This was an overall great action sequence and my breath for taken away with the excitement in this scene. Everything about it screamed cool but also I’m afraid way over the fucking top but still fun to bloody watch. I was on the edge of my seat. Things were starting to get exciting again. However, this goes without saying, the first thing going through my head was, WOW, was Michael Bay trying take the piss at Nolan’s Inception? Or did he play and love Uncharted 2? I can’t say whether Mr. Proud American was been ‘Original’ here but I can’t help but feel he was just reusing material for his own benefit.
Hey, it was a good action scene, no complaints there but at the same time the scene was pointless in the overall plot. WHY? BECAUSE THE SCENE THEN CUTS TO THE HUMAN’S having made it back to the streets without any explanation given how the fuck they even managed to do that. How the hell in God’s name did they get from a collapsed building on its side to the street ground level? And what the hell was the point of getting into that building since they never even bothered to blow the Pillar up? Fucking pointless.
Meanwhile we get another pointless action scene thrown in that is while cool to watch is again stupid in the overall plot of things. Lennox and a bunch of other soldiers all fly to Chicago in Osprey helicopters and we get a nice Avatar shot here. CHRIST? First Resident Evil Afterlife now these guys? Since when the fuck did Osprey Helicopters become so damn popular in action movies?
Anyway, these guys fly in and are attacked and blown up. About all the Ospreys get shot down except for Lennox and his group of men who all manage to jump out and escape while about from the looks of it, hundreds of soldiers are lost in this stupid Halo jump scene. These guys glide in while chased by Attack Ships. They dodge through tore buildings and eventually escape their pursuers and land on the ground. Again, a cool scene but considering I’m the type of guy who can’t shut down his brain for one second to ignore the stupidity of it all and just enjoy the shit been thrown in my face this scene again was as pointless as the last one mentioned. WHY? I’ll write you why.
After the two groups eventually meet up they need to cross a bridge. However, they can’t get across because the bridge is raised up. Some of the soldiers then use diving gear to get through. And think about that for a second. DIVING. GEAR. WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY JUST SWIM TO THE CITY UNDETECTED? They could’ve used a sub, gotten in quietly without having had to risk the lives of over hundreds of soldiers only for about ten of them to make it. Or was it six? Fuck knows. The number of survivors is small. Very, very small.
So far through this entire film Bay has done nothing but show how stupid the Government is, what a bunch of pussies they really are and has made the American Soldiers look like a bunch of fucking idiots and shit which to be fair IS ALL completely fine by me. Way to show the truth about American Bay. Keep it up you dumbass. Keep it up. Seriously, I hear when he makes these types of movies the US Army or whatever has to give green light on how they are portrayed but it looks like they didn’t mind the amount of unlogic bullshit in which Bay portrayed them in. I wonder….(Daydreams)
Now before all that underwater diving bullshit happens Sam, Carly, Epps and men are rushing through the ruined streets. However, Sam and Carly get split up with the group and they rush into another direction and Epps and his men rush into a church I believe. Realizing the main actor and actress are missing they search out to find them. Sam and Carly however run into Old Starscream who attacks them. Great scene by the way ruined in moments by the bloody ass comedy that will play forward.
Sam wears a metal climbing glove/Grapping hook he got from Autobot Wheeljack aka Q along with a Spike Bomb and uses it to combat Starscream. He climbs onto him and using the Bomb he jams it to his red robotic eye. Badass but then the scene turns to comedy gold as Sam stupidity hangs on like a idiot and Starscream shouts about having lost his eye while trying to hurl Sam off him. Lennox comes to the rescue but ends up hanging onto Sam and trying to loosen him from the glove. He eventually does it with seconds to spare and the two of them fall as Starscream explodes. Bumblebee comes out of no where just in the nick of time to wall run and catch the two leading Actors.
Okay, I liked it. It was fun while annoying but fun still. Annoying in that Starscream got owned by Sam of all people but still the fact remains that at least Sam is doing more shit in this then he did in most of the other films. But I just can’t help but feel that Starscream deserved a better death maybe? Then again in all the films this bastard has been trying to catch Sam and finally when he does he fails like the miserable Triangle shaped Jet bot that he is. At least Starscream died somewhat in a better manner than say Megatron but we’ll get to that soon enough.
With Starscream dead and the two military forces meeting and Lennox and Epps having their buddy reunion the heroes set off to the nearest bridge but can’t cross it because they can’t access the controls and yet soldiers in diving gear are crossing it. WHY THE HELL DON’T THEY ALL JUST DO THAT OR SOMETHING? And can’t the Autobots just hop over? They can swim. Remember the Decepticons going into the ocean depths to bring Megatron back? THEY. CAN. SWIM. So why not swim and take the humans with them? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
They manage to get in touch with McDormand and Simmons who are keeping watch in their Bunker back in D.C. Oh, and there is a pointless love/hate relationship between the two but its not important and again pointless except to make the characters seem close and giving a excuse for them to work together. Simmons’ faithful butler hacks his way in. This guy can do everything. Cool, clean, act gay, kick ass, hack and shit. Anyway, he hacks his way and the human’s who could’ve just put on diving gear cross the bridge along with the Autobots who could’ve just jumped or swam across. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THAT? Oh and Sam makes a mention of calling Chicago taken over by Decepticons GROUND ZERO. I shit you not, Bay takes a further crack at insulting his native land by having to remind us all of the September 11 Attack. Brilliant. You really are a asswhore Bay. Congrates.
Sam and the crew make a run for the Tower where the Control Pillar is located and Sentinel activates the Pillars all around the world now and Cybertron starts been teleported to Earth. How a Planet been next to another Planet doesn’t cause the Earth to start flooding and causing it to go into disaster mode is never explained. Funny that a shitty ass cartoon in the 80s actually did the same thing but kept in the logical part of it all. Makes the cartoon sound smarter then Bay ever will be.
Anyway, the humans head on and Sam and Carly are again separated from the rest for some reason. I don’t even remember anymore. I was fucking tired and wanted this film to end so I could go home. Meanwhile, Lennox and Epps and their men take defensive positions and witness the Autobots been held hostage by the Decepticons led by Soundwave (Not Shockwave) and Barricade from the first film who was never shown dead and just simply disappeared only to reappear here now of all places. Seems like Bay is trying to tie up all loose ends. I thought we had the Prequel Comics for that. They actually make sense and help close off all plot holes from what I hear. And its also all about the Transformers. Something this film series has seriously lacked.
Again, I ask, why make a movie about Transformers and instead focus it on a boy and his girl? At the moment the Autobots are held hostage and Bumblebee who was with Sam only moments ago is now held hostage here. A quick quote explains he went to join the battle and in the process they got themselves captured. How does that work again?
This scene is somewhat emotional as Sam watches one of the Autobots, Q aka Wheeljack get executed while saying they’re prisoners. DIDN’T STOP YOU FROM KILLING OFF A DEFENSELESS DECEPTICON PILOT EARILER ON DID IT? Q gets it in the head and dies and Bumblebee is the only who shows some sort of emotion for his fallen friend. A bit too late if you ask me. Ironhide died hours ago remember? Where were your tears for him?
Sam and Bumblebee see each other and Sam watches as Soundwave is about to blow his brains out. Personally I couldn’t give a shit considering whenever something really serious was about to happen the film cuts to comedy or Optimus coming to the rescue who is still be released from the cables by the Wreckers. Fuck sake, and no one bothers sending Attack Ships to blow the Autobot Leader apart?
Meanwhile we have Wheelie and Brains who got left behind in the battlefield and they managed to command a Attack Ship somehow, fly it into the Mother ship, somehow manage to sneak abroad a ship full of Decepticon soldiers, get to the cockpit where no one is keeping guard and manage to sabotage the ship and cause it to crash down over the captured Autobots who use the falling ships distraction to fight back while these are shown dying offscreen and are never mentioned again.
Epps and his men use the distraction to sniper out the Decepticon eyes and Lennox and his men freefall off a building before parachuting down and use their chutes to cover the Decepticons with it before landing and blowing them apart with their own human weapons.
The Autobots join in and finally kick some ass with Barricade been killed by the Military crew while Bumblebee rips apart Soundwave. IS THIS FILM OVER YET? Not yet. As all hell breaks lose and it seems that the Decepticons might be winning in comes Superman to the rescue, I mean Optimus who flies in and starts murdering all the Decepticon soldiers all at once before facing off against Soundwave and slaughtering the useless fuck and using his Cannon to blow the Column that holds the Control Pillar inside apart causing the Control Pillar to fall down to the streets and stop the teleportation of Cybertron where half the planet has been teleported successfully.
Is this a cool action scene? FUCK YEAH. Does it make Optimus look badass? HELL YEAH. Are Decepticon badguys wasted like shit? Sadly yes.
So much for big, black, shining metal bad ass with one eye. Except for Lazerbeak who actually did some shit and was cool all the other Decepticons like Soundwave and Shockwave were fucking pointless. But at least Shockwave kicked ass commanding that Dildo worm of his. Megatron on the other hand, man, that guy I think gets the worst treatment out of all the baddies in the film. I can’t get over the fact how undeveloped the Decepticons were. We should’ve gotten a bit more development out of them and their reason for doing all this crap.
I know, a bad guy is a bad guy but not all bad guys do it simply for been bad. Other’s for more…reasons behind the shit they do and we never get that. Well okay, Sentinel is one of those reasons but he’s a Autobot gone rouge. It makes sense. Decepticons have always be portrayed as the big evil badguys who in the first film were hard to fucking kill and by the second and third were crap fodder for the Military and Autobots.
Anyway, Optimus confronts Sentinel who joins in and the final battle begins. The two duke it out with both pulling out shields and Optimus finally using his famous Axe in this final fight. The two, mentor and student clash together while the Military forces and other Autobots clean out the rest of the Decepticons and Sam goes to confront Dylan who has appeared from his hiding place and reactivates the Control Pillar. Sam and Dylan battle as all around Carly hell looms.
What is it with Bay and his boner for having a hot girl in the middle while all around her shit blows up? This scene was just beyond stupid. She just stares ahead as things go to shit. She then spots Megatron and confronts the fucking loser. She eggs him on and tells him he’ll be Sentinel’s bitch if he doesn’t stop him. Megatron doesn’t even bother killing her when he so can and instead listens to her and thinks about her words. Well done Megay, now you’re Carly’s Bitch.
The battle rages on and Sam keeps his promise of killing Dylan by hitting him with a pipe and sending him into the Control Pillar, which electrocutes him to death. Bumblebee and the other Autobots show up and finish it off and the teleportation of Cybertron is stopped and causes the destruction of the unsuccessful teleportation to create a black hole of sorts in Cybertron and pretty much destroying the fuck out of it. Well so much for that. Well done guys, not only did you save the Earth but you ended up fucking up your own home in the process. Hope you’re happy with yourselves.
Why didn’t Sentinel just bury the Control Pillar in some safe place instead of leaving it in the fucking open where anyone could possibly blow it out of the sky. It was pretty much the Sun Harvester from TF2 all over again. This big important thing that needs to be destroyed and its destroyed in seconds without any hard effort actually put into it.
Meanwhile the final battle comes to a close between Optimus and Sentinel. I must say, Bay actually improved with this. The Fallen got wiped out in less than a minute in the last film but here the battle has been going on for a good near four minutes now. Perfect. And how does it end? With Optimus getting the shit beaten out of him and getting his left or right shoulder cut off. Sentinel is about to finish him off only for Megatron to come to the rescue and blast Sentinel apart and then kicking the shit out of him and pretty much beating him in seconds and let me remind you, this is a PRIME getting his ass handed to him by someone who isn’t a Prime.
Remember that whole subplot with only a Prime can defeat a Prime? Yeah, well they forgot it here. (And if they’re bothered to actually explain that Optimus hadn’t been killed in the last film but was instead put into a coma from which he needed massive energy to awaken from then this exact subplot introduced in the last film would’ve actually made sense then buts that that film. This is this film) Megatron owns Sentinel but doesn’t kill him and offers Optimus a truce and then mentions about taking over the Earth before muttering what Optimus would do without him. Optimus reply? “Let’s find out”
Next thing you see is a one armed Optimus get up and attack Megatron and kill him in about five to ten seconds with no hard effect at all. Hell, Megatron just stands there without raising his rifle and gets owned…bad. Seriously, Megatron kicked Optimus’s ass in the first film. In the next film Optimus was wiping the floor with him and others but still got owned when Megatron sneaked up on him. But that was a long drawn out fight. The next time they forth Optimus had gotten a upgrade and owned Megatron but didn’t…AGAIN, kill him. Now here they encounter each other, really, the only time in the whole film and Optimus owns him in five to ten seconds.
WHAT THE FUCK? NO, REALLY, WHAT THE FUCK? I get Megatron was weak from their last encounter but this guy just owned Sentinel. Yeah he sneaked up and fired a gun at him but then proceeded to kick the living metal out of him. Here, he stands there all mighty and proud and Optimus tears him apart without another thought. And that’s not the end of Optimus’s brutality.
Sentinel all weak starts crawling away and muttering how he betrayed Optimus and Optimus replies, “No, you betrayed yourself” and again proceeds, using Megatron’s cannon to blow Sentinel’s brains out. No shit. He liternally kills his father/brother figure’s brains out. The guy is unarmed and wounded and instead of capturing him with the real world threat over and kills him. I get it, I understand that Optimus possibly had enough of the Decepticon bullshit and just wanted to end it and get rid of the fuckers but in this film he lost all the honour and respect he had from the first and second films. No, scratch that, even in the second film he went all homicidal and shit but here in this film it was WAY OVER THE TOP. The guy was a fucking killer. He had really, no code of honour. That whole killing scene just didn’t sit right with me or Optimus’s overall character.
My preferred ending would have been Megatron coming out and owning Optimus and Sentinel and then about to kill Optimus only for Sentinel to take the killing blow not actually wanting to have Optimus killed and then Optimus having a worthy and not ten second battle and killing Megatron and Sentinel dying having saved Optimus’s life. That would’ve been my ending if I had written it. Yeah, bitch about it to me later but you can’t deny that it just felt kind of empty when Sentinel went full villain mode and trying to kill Optimus. It didn’t feel right just as Optimus blowing his brains out didn’t.
In the end all Decepticons are dead, Cybertron is gone forever, Sam and Carly reunite with Bumblebee giving out free rings in case Sam wants to purpose and Carly accepting it if he wants too and the Military been all happy and shit and Optimus yet again narrating the ending as usual and trying to teach viewers some meaningful life lesson of which there really is none considering all ended with no problem whatsoever. THE FUCKING END.
CONCLUSION
Shit of the Moon is by all accounts not on the same level as the first Transformers film. Bay’s ego is as large and arrogant as it was when making Revenge of the Shit and many other films of his. His fucking boner to glorifing American and its Military is annoying and at time offensive to watch. Big Offensive when he starts reminding people of real life events which he tries making references too and which are no needed.
The humour as I have mentioned is less here than it was in Revenge but I only ever had a problem with the Twins and Simmons way of humour and not to mention Robot fucking Heaven (I KNOW IT WAS IN THE CARTOON. BUT THIS ISN’T THE FUCKING CARTOON.) Devestator complete pointlessness of been in the film and the overall short ass weak final battle and lack of development with the Autobot characters. Otherwise I actually enjoyed the sequel. But Shit of the Moon, OKAY, DARK OF THE MOON…I don’t know.
My big, big complaint would be again, lack of development with the rest of the Transformer characters. Optimus, Bumblebee, Sentinel and maybe Megatron were the only ones who were developed compared to the likes of the main Decepticon henchmen and other Autobot characters. And then of cause that this film focused way too much on the Human/Military story side of things including the action. Humans doing this, Military doing that and the Transformers only coming in when someone needs saving or killed quickly. End of.
I wouldn’t say it was less enjoyable but I would be lying if I said I thought it was entertaining or even better than Revenge of the Fallen but perhaps in terms of the somewhat more easier plot line then yes, it was tones better. But overall the climax was still weak as hell and the Film again was too damn fucking long. Bay or his collegues in the commentary for Revenge mentioned how Bay would’ve loved to trim the film down if he had more time because he considered it too long.
Well this film is also too fucking longer and if the majority of beginning scenes with Sam had been cut including some pointless ass shots like the First Person View Shot of some guy shooting at Sentinel fighting with Optimus, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HEL LWAS UP WITH THAT? I think we can all agree Bay is a Call of Duty fan. Not that I am. I think those games along with this film are a big pile of garbage. Just as those games are a sin to the Video Game Industry this film is a disgrace to filmmaking in general.
The fact Paramount is willing to dish out their cash for these films is further proof of the fact how down the film industry or in this case Hollywood is going. Sure not every film can be like Christoper Nolan’s or Peter Jackson or any other top notch director who delivers a thoughtful experience. Michael Bay does what he does because he’s good at what he does and that is deliver the most over the top bullshit that a lot of people wouldn’t dream of doing but Bay is that guy. You want guns, explosives, hot girls and action 24/7 then hell yeah, Bay will in some cases deliver.
But the problem here is that Transformers 3D is a terrible, terrible film. Entertaining in some accounts maybe but as a overall film its not. I have no problem with people enjoying this. Enjoy it, love it. I enjoyed it but wasn’t entertained at times because I didn’t get what I wanted from it. And as someone who loves film this isn’t a film in the sense. What I’m saying is, enjoy watching it but don’t go around saying this is a great fucking movie. Its not. Its not a film. Its more of a fucking commercial if anything. A summer action movie done right has more in it then something like this ever will.
You want examples of good summer action films done right then watch Iron Man, Star Trek (Can’t believe the same writers who wrote that also wrote Revenge. Bloody amazing how one film ended up good and the other a pile of shit.), The Dark Knight and others. Those are films which take themselves seriously but at the same time manage to have fun with themselves while developing their main cast of characters in such ways that you’ll either love or hate them while adding in the big emotional elements that helps to actually drive certain characters forward to move on in the story.
Dark of the Moon doesn’t do this. Every scene is either a humourless joke or a scene with things blowing up. For example, during the final battle when things started getting serious it would cut to Wheelie and Brains comedying around before cutting back to the seriousness again. This is not good. You can’t have one thing happen and then throw viewers off with something else. It kills the mood. It ruins the scene or overall film. Add the fact that Bay also throws in scenes that will possibly offend viewers then they will be in a not so happy mood throughout this experience.
Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon might only surpass its sequel with some slight improvements but in the end of the day its all pretty much the same shit that Bay has treated us too with his last two films and I overall want something new that hasn’t been done before in both films and games I might add because everything this film sprawed out of its ass has been done to death.
OVERALL SCORE and keep in mind what I will give it is after having to see though the boring first half and having to suffer the weak humour and needless scenes and offensive crap thrown into my face along with the overall boring action. I rate this film…
6.0 out of 10
It could’ve been worsen then it already was but again, I would be lying if I said I didn’t find myself somewhat entertained to a point. There were some moments but overall this is a pile of shit but a pile of shit that majority can enjoy if they can just accept what they are seeing is utter none-sense and not to be taken seriously.
LIKES:
- Cybertron Intro is done well.
- Sentinel Prime voiced by Spock was a plus and a overall better villain than the Fallen.
- Some good action moments…Skydive, Falling Building.
- Optimus having elements of his G1 counterpart. Trailer and Axe.
- Lazerbeak was a nice addition to the rogue gallery for this film.
- The new girl Rosie was hot and better actress than Fox.
- Patrick Dempsey actually played a well-hateable, decent villain.
- 3D Effects were done really well.
- The Soundtrack by Steve Japlonsky was worth listening too. Can’t stop listening to Sentinel Prime. Brilliant and beautiful score. How the hell does the music have more emotion then the whole film put together? Its just downright sad to be honest.
HATES:
- Megatron is wasted.
- No emotion to characters who die.
- Parents annoying.
- Pointless characters introduced in the film.
- Lack of character development.
- First hour is a boredom.
- Too much of the same shit.
- Sam is too bitchy all the time.
- Shockwave didn’t kick ass like he does in the cartoon. Wasted.
- No Megatron/Starscream rivalry.
- Africa scene made me want to walk out from the pure stupidity of it. Good God.
- Too fucking long.
- Bay didn’t learn from last time.
- Wheelie and Brains are close behind as annoying as the Twins were.
- Iran scene at the beginning offended me big time.
